New Job and Moving Update
I almost certainly got the part-time web dev/design job in Ypsilanti which I applied for. J took an excellent job in Denver, which will let her work remotely from here until she moves out there in December. I'm staying here to finish my web development certificate, which will finish in May. Five months is a long time, so I won't prepare premature plans past that point.
J spent a few weeks in Chicago, interviewing with a different company every day. I was really rooting for Chicago to win. I would have been happy to move there with her. Chicago is in driving distance of Madison WI, Cleveland OH, Lansing MI, and here-- where people are located who I know and want to spend time with. It has SF conventions and fans who I know. It's within driving distance of Penguicon, ConFusion, U-Con, GenCon, Origins, and Buckeye Game Fest. It even has Chicago Toy and Game Fair and a game publisher who wants to look at my board games for publication.
I spent a day in a Motel 6 in Denver once. It is a 24-hour drive from here, each way. It is within driving distance of nowhere. I know exactly one person there, who I only met once. For calling upon the powers of my social network to help me, that is like Kryptonite.
I have been considering an offer to move to Southfield, MI in December, a few miles north of where I live now. An elderly lady would like a roommate to do ten hours of chores per week in exchange for free rent. That's an appealing prospect, because I would live within a mile or two of many of my friends, and I could put the rent money in the bank to more easily pay back my student loans.
The downsides would be, in descending order of importance:
1. She holds a bible study in the apartment every week.
2. Limitations on visitors. I currently enjoy three or four game nights per week in my current home, and a woman can stay the night in my current home without feeling super-awkward about my roommate.
3. Due to a severe allergy, no latex or soft rubber of any kind in the apartment. (Rubber bands which hold my game boxes together. The grip of my drawing tablet pen. Condoms.)
4. No ice cream in the apartment.
That sounds workable, if I can find someplace else to be during the bible study. On the one hand, she seems like a very friendly and accepting person on the phone, and happy to find workarounds for problems. On the other hand, it also sounds like the setup to a sitcom, doesn't it? "One is an itinerant, sexually-active, vocally-non-religious technophile who can live under any domestic conditions! The other is a fragile elderly churchgoer! What could possibly go wrong?"
Do not misunderstand this to be an act of desperation. I am able to pay rent with my student loans. I'd just rather leverage my advantages:
1. No one depends on me.
2. I have very few possessions.
3. I have no domestic needs beyond broadband internet access, running water, a fridge and range, a cot, and a door or curtain for privacy.
So, why not put rent money in the bank? Is it smart financial planning? Or setting myself up for tension? What do you think?
Comments
claydowling on Nov. 11, 2010 7:27 PM — Avoid it, man
Given your very strong views on religion, I think you're setting yourself up for disaster, that will probably wind up costing you more in the long run when you need to find new living space in a hurry.
pstscrpt on Nov. 11, 2010 7:28 PM
There's no commitment with the little old lady, right? You could always see how it works out.
Is she aware you're an atheist (agnostic?) and not just non-devout?
matt-arnold on Nov. 11, 2010 8:13 PM
She is not aware yet. But, given her friendship to the person who introduced me to her, I predict she will just live and let live.
lintra on Nov. 11, 2010 7:38 PM
Great way to save money. If she isn't going to want to direct your cleaning efforts (beyond a list of requests) I'd go for it. You could limit interaction with her, and yeah, coffeehouse for bible study time.
As far as the ladies go, you can keep some of that money you're saving for a 'romantic hotel trip' fund.
matt-arnold on Nov. 11, 2010 8:16 PM
Hey, that is a cool idea. A hotel never would have occurred to me, but if I'm saving hundreds of dollars a month, I could make it work. Thanks.
jeffreyab on Nov. 11, 2010 7:54 PM
I would meet the old lady in person before speculating any further.
twoofdtm on Nov. 11, 2010 8:39 PM
Do you have other offers we could compare?
I don't think this is a BAD-IDEA-TM kind of situation but it's definitely not what I would consider a Good situation. You have the added benefit of not paying rent but you have to clean/do chores to earn your keep. I don't know about you but I know how hard it is to keep up after my own standard of clean so imagining somebody doing it to that standard? Ha! Are the chores a set list? Dishes every day, mow/shovel when it's needed, air out the house, dust the curtains, tv, tops of bric-a-brac, vacuum once a day, take care of the pet, flip my mattress.... I mean, what is your level of "have to do" to not pay rent? What if she decides to change it once you move in?
Since you know she does a bible group once a week you can pretty much assume she's involved in her community. Do you think you could handle her lifestyle day in and day out for the next however many months it works out? Would you feel caged or censored in your own space?
If things go sour, would the friend you got introduced by be offended/hurt that you may offend or hurt her?
matt-arnold on Nov. 11, 2010 8:59 PM
These are all excellent questions.
1. A regular routine of chores is already set down, which she consistently needs. I would make sure it is understood that it is not allowed to go more than the number of hours per week which we agree on before I move in. I asked her how specific she was about how she wants the chores done, and she assured me she is not picky at all. Those are relative terms, so I asked very specific example questions, and received good answers.
2. I have gotten used to briefly losing access to my living space from time to time. However, feeling limited or censored in my living space is something I am thinking about very seriously. I need to visit and meet her to get a better sense about this.
3. I am confident that if it goes sour, it would have little or no effect on our relationships to our mutual friend.
cosette-valjean on (None)
cosette-valjean on Nov. 11, 2010 11:06 PM
Based on your recent issues with rage and depression, I see this going badly. Try to find some other place. People who think they are relaxed and non-judgmental, are not necessarily representing themselves accurately. If she cares enough to hold a weekly study, you are going to get on her nerves and vice versa.
jodybrai on Nov. 12, 2010 1:35 AM
I need to tell you the story of my old roommate/landlady, Collette. She used a cheap room to attract and convert heathens, and decided I was a devil when her pastor died shortly after I moved in, after she had been badgering me about going to church with her. (I never met the man, and he was in his 80's) Shortly after, she called the police, threatened me with a gun, and demanded that I vacate the premises immediately, after trying to "confiscate" my computer and other personal items, claiming that they had come with the room.
All in all, not a fun couple of months. I'm not saying that anything like that is happening here, but the idea of little-old-lady-shows-kindness-and-converts-heathens isn't unheard of.
If that is what this person is planning, I'd say she is going to have a very rude awakening trying to deal with you! In some ways, I look forward to hearing about it if you do take her up, and if she does turn out to be an overeager evangelist, LOL. On the other hand, it could invite stress. . .
If you are so close, however, Nikki and I would love to play host to at least some of your accustomed game nights. That's what the front room is for, after all!
If you do end up there, just down the street, Nikki and I would be happy to play host to at least a few of your accustomed games. That's what the front room is for, after all!
desfontaines on Nov. 12, 2010 3:07 AM
(of course, you're also welcome to have use of the ice cream maker here to make whatever flavor floats your fancy in a home that is quite all right with such things) ;)
delosd on Nov. 12, 2010 1:35 AM
No ice cream in the apartment?!?
netmouse on Nov. 12, 2010 9:02 AM
And Steve focuses on the *truly* important factor. :)
I know some very nice fen in the Denver area, btw, and they have some interesting conventions. But it is definitely geographically isolated.
dawnwolf on Nov. 12, 2010 5:23 PM — That is wierd, isn't it?
It would be one thing if the restriction was on all dairy products. Some people have such intense allergies that they don't want to risk being in the room with whatever triggers their symptoms.
Does anyone know if there's some Christian cult that thinks of ice cream as a tool of the devil? :-)
matt-arnold on Nov. 12, 2010 6:44 PM — Re: That is wierd, isn't it?
Nothing like that. The problem is just the temptation to eat the ice cream.
dawnwolf on Nov. 12, 2010 9:21 PM — Re: That is wierd, isn't it?
Ah. That, I understand ;-)
dawnwolf on Nov. 12, 2010 5:27 PM — Since you asked...
The things you have to say about religion online are frequently disrespectful of others' feelings. And you said in a post awhile back that you're having issues with depression and anger. I don't know how you are with being able to respect people's religious views when you are interacting in person, but you might want to think about this in the context of your current mood and reflect on whether or not you'll be willing and able to keep from hurting this woman's feelings.
OTOH, you could use some of your savings to do the things that might help with those mental health issues...
matt-arnold on Nov. 12, 2010 6:08 PM — Re: Since you asked...
Thanks very much for bringing this up. It was probably a serious question for you whether it was worth the trouble it would cause you, and for that I thank you.
Of course we come to the issue of goals. I do not believe religious views are deserving of respectful treatment, so that is not a goal of mine. A living space, however, is in my best interest.
Getting along is a goal, but not as important as other goals. I won't adopt a polite pretense. The only time in which I wish to avoid hurting feelings is when it is unintentional and serves no purpose. But I usually accept hurt feelings knowingly, if I feel it was deserved, and when it is a side-effect of asserting my own boundaries. Then I accept the social consequences.
In those cases in which I wish to continue to have a relationship of some kind, we simply don't talk about it. The bottom line is that I might wish to ask her if we should make it off-limits to discussion. I am both able and willing to sustain a silence truce in a specific place such as an apartment.
dawnwolf on Nov. 12, 2010 9:20 PM — Re: Since you asked...
Thank you for the recognition. It is indeed true that I sat with your post for a few days mulling over just the concern that you've cited. In the end, though, I like you enough to have taken the chance, and it's really cool that your reply has justified my leap of faith (if you'll forgive the term).
"Of course we come to the issue of goals. I do not believe religious views are deserving of respectful treatment, so that is not a goal of mine."
The problem, though, is whether or not you believe that *people* are deserving of respectful treatment even when they hold views that are opposed to your own. Particularly when it comes to a subject that's as highly subjective as is religion (or politics, or etc...) This is something I've struggled with for years, and I find myself ashamed today of some of the knee-jerk rhetorical brutality I've been willing to resort to when addressing those who hold opinions that are in opposition to my own. John Stewart is increasingly becoming my role model in this regard. But that's another topic entirely.
I also know from hard experience how hard it is to maintain a respectful stance when our neurochemistry is doing the depression tango. The question becomes -- will you be able to maintain the same kind of silence on the topic that you will be asking from her? And will you be able to maintain respect for this person as a person if she "slips" from time to time? If not, don't put yourself or the little old lady through it.
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