Gifts. Don't Make This Weird
One of the best rules of thumb for successful gift-giving is "don't make this weird". If you're the receiver, don't act like the giver was obligated to give it. If you're the giver, don't act like you are creating an obligation for the receiver. If either of these are true, it wasn't a gift.
If you give a gift, and you're upset because something didn't happen that you thought was supposed to happen, just don't give the gift again. If you announce you're not giving the gift again because of the behavior, you just made it weird. If you want reciprocation, your best course of action is to propose a tit-for-tat transaction from the outset. Otherwise you have created what I call a trap gift: throw benefits at someone, give more than is worthwhile to you, and then start listing expectations. Maybe you don't think the receiver will agree to become obligated to you, so you disguise the transaction as a gift. The problem is, you are pressuring an obligation, when you might have gotten agreement in advance.
I could talk about romantic relationships, workplace bonuses, church attendance and tithes, and all kinds of things, but I'll use Penguicon as an example. Let's say you volunteer to present a ridiculously excessive number of talks at Penguicon. Your track head probably thought "hey, somebody wants to give talks. Their motivation is that they want to people to hear what they are so excited about. What an awesome person! I accept". Then you come up to me on Sunday of the convention and complain that you had to pay to get into the convention, and you're not pictured in the program book with a bio. Why are we only hearing about this now? That would have been totally negotiable beforehand. Maybe your track head would have happily agreed to it. Maybe she would have said "tell you what, you do fewer talks, and we'll give you this and that but not that. Is that worth it?" Then everybody's happy. The problem is, it's too late now. You've already used up everything you were offering. We can't strike a smaller deal, because we can't give you back your time. Don't make this weird.
We've had more than one person who was a huge hit at the convention for years, and then started turning down invitations while remaining friendly. We made them full guests of honor in later years, all-expenses-paid. Whereas we won't invite back a trap-gift complainer.
For three years, three or four days a week, I would wake up, and think about how awesome it was that Jen was next to me. She felt the same. The default script in our culture is that by sleeping with each other, we are creating an obligation to continue. Following the default script would be to wake up, shrug, say "of course she's here" and gripe when she isn't. What a yawnfest that would be! The great thing about our lack of obligation to each other is it made it possible for our relationship to be a gift. If someone is obligated to be with you, it doesn't matter whether they want to be with you.
I would like for it to matter whether you spend time with me because you want to. Whether you read this blog because you want to. Whether you collaborate on a project because you want to make it awesome. Whether you give me your cast off stuff, because you want it to go to use.
If you're not excited about any of those things, no big deal. By contrast, I hear a lot of people complaining about spending time with their families this Christmas season, because it's gotten weird, but they're going to do it anyway. If a family member has given you decades of trap gifts, and they're making it weird, just stop showing up. You will be told by our culture that your excitement is less important than your commitment. But look around you: this has worked out as a recipe for misery.
If you're not excited about attending or contributing to your church, your church will encourage you to think of yourself as a bad person. Just stop showing up. Remember this Christmas season that the story of Jesus of Nazareth is this. I've seen too many church members trying to force themselves into a mandatory enthusiasm, and pretend to be excited about a crucifixion which is a trap gift. It's a little bit painful to watch. Don't make this weird.
Be grateful for what you have, while you still have it, by making it awesome. If you can't make it awesome, just do something else. Don't make it weird.
Comments
blue-duck on Nov. 28, 2011 2:58 AM
Great post. Thanks for sharing.
darksunlight on Nov. 28, 2011 6:13 AM
Brilliant writing.
skintwospud on Nov. 29, 2011 12:45 AM
This is absolutely one of the best things you've written. I could not agree more: 1) don't waste your time; 2) don't waste others' time; 3) don't take anything for granted; 4) it's okay to not spend time with "family" (better yet, go out and find your own!); 5) true gifts are given with no expectation for anything in return; 6) want something? ask for it! Communication often actually does work.
Life is short, and we only get one, I think. Why waste it eating bad pie and placating your racist uncle? And, etc. :)
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