A Request For Advice
wheaton's law = don't be a dick
not sure if you're aware you're doing it or not and i have no desire to get into details, but wheaton's law, your breaking it a lot lately.
Yes, I noticed. The simplest way to describe it is that my level of patience has been plummeting through the floor.
The more I notice that, the more I realize I'm stressed and unhappy. Most things that I used to be involved with rarely bring me joy anymore, mostly frustration. I'm no longer interested in maintaining most of my existing relationships or my status in any communities. I'd like to turn that around, but I'm not sure how to reconfigure my motivational system.
I gave my involvement in PodDisc.com to J months ago, and we're looking to hand it off to someone else. The stagnation of Lojban's internal politics frustrated me to the point that I told them I don't care if the project continues. Clueless newbies on polyamory mailing lists are driving me crazy, so I send snarky messages that get a lot of people mad at me. Chairing Penguicon stressed the best friendships I had to the point of breaking. I can't back out of helping to run a Halloween party which I don't even want to attend. The other day, I actually suggested that we disband U-Con and just end it.
It can't be that these things all changed. It has to be that I changed.
I've been talking about moving out of state. All I want to do is be heads-down in solitary activity like training myself in animation or web development, or tinkering with the rules and graphics to my board games.
This personality change has been mostly in the past year or so. I may have sent more angry, disappointed and frustrated messages in every medium this year than in my whole life. When I really examine it, I've been daring everyone to kick me out so I don't have to be involved in anything.
Needless to say, this is an enormous personality change. It really worries me, so I'm not sure what to do. I've already been trying to back down from obligations except in really desperate cases. Maybe I should unsubscribe from all my mailing lists. But I'm not sure when to resubscribe. I want to get back the old me, because I was consistently happy. On the other hand, maybe a new me could be more employable and I could work out some other way to be happy.
Is it healthier to retreat into a shell by getting more and more distance? Or is there some alternative? What would you do?
Comments
sorcycat on Oct. 14, 2010 6:55 PM
As a parent, I've been noticing I'm much higher strung when I'm not getting enough sleep. I snap at my kids way easier and it takes the joy out of certain activities. That's one idea to consider. Another idea for self-reflection... do you care more or less what people think about you than you used to? You seem like a pretty independent guy, but here you are talking a lot about relationships and groups.
matt-arnold on Oct. 15, 2010 5:49 PM
No, I don't care more about what people think about me than I used to. I don't change my mind based on social pressure, but it's very important to me that I am able to be reasoned with. And relationships and groups are rewarding and valuable even to an independent person. The difference is that independent people will pick and choose their relationships and groups based on actual value instead of helpless addiction.
tlatoani on Oct. 14, 2010 8:16 PM
Fatigue? Overcommitment? Depression? All of those things could be causing this.
tlatoani on Oct. 14, 2010 8:42 PM
Or, it could be stress or a reaction to the moving out of state thing. That kind of situation can affect the subconscious in weird ways, like causing you to distance yourself from things here.
eposia on Oct. 14, 2010 9:28 PM
Agree with other commenters that it would help to examine biological and biochemical sources of the shift, to see if better sleep/food/more exercise/etc would improve your outlook independent of other changes.
It's better to take a break from sources of stress BEFORE you get to the point of irrevocable friendship-severing whenever possible. So I don't think it would hurt to give yourself x period of time off from mailing lists, with a re-evaluation at the end of that time (ex: 1 month) to see whether there are ones you actually miss reading or if your life is less stressful without them.
If you're in a time of increased personal skill acquisition and focus, you aren't going to have as much time OR ENERGY to do the things you are used to spending energy on, like con organization. It's not automatically a failure to take a step back from those commitments as well, though of course doing it responsibly and not explody with teh drama is probably better for overall social harmony and friendship continuation.
And in case I didn't emphasize it enough, seriously, examine the bio connections. Overly brainy people like to convince themselves they're somehow above being affected by biochemical changes, no matter how many times their bodies prove them wrong, so double check that you aren't falling in that trap. Have sleep patterns changed? What about diet, both overall intake and patterns of consumption? Exercise is huge for anyone, but especially for those folks with larger amounts of testosterone (such as, well, males); there have been several studies that show that inadequate exercise can fairly directly lead to a build-up of rage tendencies that if they don't get released through exercise, will come out other ways. And that doesn't even begin to get into whether you might be biochemically depressed, but fixing anything wrong with exercise/food/sleep will at least HELP even if that's the problem.
matt-arnold on Oct. 14, 2010 10:07 PM
I'll look into some kind of exercise routine. I've never been one to exercise, and it's never been a problem before, but I'm in a good place in my life to try that now, and I've always heard it's good for many aspects other than physical fitness.
It's more likely to be my wildly-changing sleep pattern. I'm getting to bed, and waking up, ridiculously late.
jeffreyab on Oct. 15, 2010 2:34 AM
Even going for walks would help reduce stress, it does for me anyway.
cosette-valjean on Oct. 15, 2010 1:28 AM
Sounds to me like your depression is back probably due to years of stressful situations made worse for your body because of bad diet, little exercise, and poor sleep patterns. You do much better on a healthy diet and good sleep, I've noticed. Are you consuming caffeine anymore because I thought you cut that out a while back. It's too bad you don't have access to health care because Welbutrin really helped a lot last time.
matt-arnold on Oct. 25, 2010 3:18 AM
I did resume caffiene, in more moderation. Then I resumed it almost completely. I drink a lot more decaf though.
I think I should stop driving out to Lansing on Sunday nights to stay in Denny's playing Dominion until 7 in the morning.
atdt1991 on Oct. 15, 2010 3:43 AM
I agree with all of these things. After you've worked through sleep/eating/safety/housing, if I were feeling that way I would take some time away from other people and reassess what you want from yourself - who you want to be, how you want to treat people and be treated, and think about who you're actually intending to punish when you're lashing out.
I think you're off-center, and you don't know what you want, where you're going, or who to turn to. I think you've had some rough experiences in the past few years that you haven't really worked through, and you're transferring your unhappiness with some people onto, well, everyone else.
I wouldn't offer this unless you had asked, because people get really bent out of shape when you tell people what they 'should do'. I don't know whether or not these things are true, and I respect your own opinion on the matter.
I really like the resilient person I met, years ago, who seemed to care passionately, without concern for cynical comments from others. I am confident that you'll do some self reflection and guide yourself in the direction you think is best.
Also, any time you want to get some coffee and philosophize about this kind of stuff... I've been thinking about it for years and years, so I'm happy to chat.
matt-arnold on Oct. 25, 2010 3:22 AM
I think you've had some rough experiences in the past few years that you haven't really worked through, and you're transferring your unhappiness with some people onto, well, everyone else.
This could be true. I am fascinated by wondering which situations you think this is about.
sarahmichigan on Oct. 15, 2010 11:47 AM
Agreeing with the advice to take care of the basics: nutritious food, a 20-minute walk (or other moderate exercise) most days of the week, regular sleep, downtime.
I frequently take breaks from mailing lists or online fora when I find myself getting more argumentative than usual. Set a time frame: 2 weeks, a month, whatever, then dip your foot back in and see if you have gained any perspective.
cathyr19355 on Oct. 15, 2010 10:10 PM
Sounds like you might be suffering from depression. Do you have medical insurance? Can you afford to look into that?
matt-arnold on Oct. 25, 2010 3:17 AM
I have not had medical insurance in four years.
cathyr19355 on Oct. 25, 2010 3:42 AM
Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that.
users on Oct. 15, 2010 10:28 PM
I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't notice a marked change...Ger and I were discussing it around a week ago actually, mostly, the "is this the sort of thing to bring up" part of the equation. I suggested the following:
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This is not something that I, as king of the dick people, can effectively bring up. You don't get to be stupidly abrasive then say "hey, you seem a bit rough around the edges lately"...but that if ever it came up in conversation, I'd share my view.
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That I am surprised this hasn't happened earlier.
Matt, you have lived a life that—from a stability standpoint—would have long ago left lesser folks a quivering mass of gelatinous rage and tears. Yes, gelatinous rage. Gross but delicious. Financially, domicile-ly, relationship-ily, and employment-wise, things have been pretty much in a continuous state of upheaval as long as I've known you (which is slowly shaping up to be a not inconsiderable amount of time, as things go). You have taken it all with aplomb; asking questions and expressing modest irritation or concern but never conveying any real sense of lasting frustration or anger at the situation. I would have snapped and killed a massive group of people long ago.
Perhaps there's an answer…I certainly don't have one. My snark is embedded, not situational, so I have an easier time of it…when someone (often my wife or friends like you or Randy or Scott) points out that I'm being over the top asshole-y, I evaluate it (hell, they could be wrong…generally they're not, but I hold out hope), then concentrate for a while on measuring why I'm pissed when I want to send a dickish communication and not sending it if I find that most of my aggression is aimed at financial woes, work drama, or relationship crap. Basically, I only have to scale it back a notch, not remove it.
Hopefully, finding something akin to stability in your life will help that. Sadly, it sounds as though that is some time off. In the meantime, if you ever want to hang out and grab a coffee or something for a bit and let out some sarcastic steam...I enjoy making fun of people in public as a way of stress relief. I can be your bodyguard while you do if you want :)
dawnwolf on Oct. 16, 2010 5:09 PM — I hope this helps
YMMV & etc, but this sounds to me like a textbook case of depression. While most people don't think to link depression to irritability, the truth is that a depressed brain is an irritated brain -- depression is linked to irritability, anxiety, etc.
If you're living in the A2 area, the University of Michigan probably has a good, sliding-scale counseling and possibly even psychiatry program where you can access psychotropics at cut rates. Many meds are also available as generics for exceptionally low cost -- check out Kroger's program, and I know there are others.
Other people are also giving good advice -- exercise for endorphin levels, a balanced diet (I found it shocking to learn how much of a role basic nutrition plays in mental health), and a consistent sleep-wake schedule are all important. Again, when the brain is depressed, it's hurting. And just as you wouldn't put all your weight on a badly-sprained ankle, the best thing to do with a depressed brain is to not add any unnecessary stress to it. However, on the other hand there's some research which seems to indicate that concentrating on learning new things can promote neurogenesis, which helps the brain heal.
matt-arnold on Oct. 24, 2010 6:51 PM — Re: I hope this helps
Thanks for this advice. I've moved out of the A2 area, but I might look into this depending on how sliding-scale it is.
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