The Unlikeliest Wedding Officiant
Somehow, my desire for sincere work does not rule out performing the occasional wedding.
A young military couple were being sent overseas, and arranged at the last minute to be married by a Justice of the Peace so as to be less likely to be separated by the military. Upon hearing this plan, their families asked to be allowed to put together a real wedding they could attend with all the trappings. The Justice of the Peace would already have done the legal work; the following ceremony would be for show. The families had to work fast. No clergy could be persuaded to perform a ceremony on the Fourth of July with twenty-four hours notice. They went hunting for someone, anyone, who would know how to make the service look and sound traditionally authentic.
Their friend-of-a-friend Tomak thought of me, mostly because I perform the Coffee Ritual at Penguicon. I ritualistically grind, brew, and serve coffee, and parody the High Church singsong cadence, while wearing a Pope costume with a Starbucks logo on the hat.
Tomak: "You're a Bible college dropout, right?"
Me: "I graduated, actually."
Tomak: "Rock on!"
Me: "With an art degree."
Tomak: "Good enough."
When asked what denomination I was, Tomak told them "he was trained Baptist, but now he's more ... Unitarian Universalist." That's one way to put it. I should remember that one.
Jen worked very hard Friday night to put together a setting complete with an altar, unity candles, a humongous Bible with side-by-side English and Greek translations, and a lovely printed manuscript of the ceremony for a memento. She wrote the ceremony, and pasted a printed copy inside a black notebook for me to glance at, since I lacked any time to memorize my lines. I wore a black suit and white turtleneck.
I would like to live in a world in which prayer and encouragement is never a paid acting performance. I didn't want to encourage a young couple that they are doing the right thing, when every evidence available to statistics and brain science tells us they are most certainly not. But it's their lives to live as they choose.
I was worried that I would feel terrible; that it would be the most desperate and grasping thing I've ever done for money. In other words, I felt like one must feel when preparing to appear in one's first porn film. If porn stars can do it, I have no cause to demur. Yes, I said; I will draw from porn stars' strength of determination, learn from their example, and set aside these silly qualms. I will not Hoekstra.
I did not dwell on it while it was happening. I just went with the flow. I kept my mouth shut as much as possible before and after. I was thanked and praised to the skies by clients and their families who were thrilled to tears. Then I hopped in the getaway car and put it out of my mind for several days. The back of my mind is constantly aware that there is video, which might appear on YouTube and come back to haunt me. If I make a habit of presiding over the downfall of beautiful relationships every day, I would experience emotional corrosion quickly. I take comfort that perhaps weary porn stars and reluctant wedding officiants might be the Yin to each other's Yang on some weird karmic scale.
Comments
tlatoani on Jul. 10, 2009 11:48 AM
I didn't want to encourage a young couple that they are doing the right thing, when every evidence available to statistics and brain science tells us they are most certainly not.
Are you claiming that marriages are a mistake, or that belief in a deity is a mistake, or both?
matt-arnold on Jul. 10, 2009 12:51 PM
Specifically the totalizing claims of traditional marriages. Let us be clear about for whom this is a mistake. This couple were teenagers, and included all the hormonally-driven forevers and onlies that more experienced couples leave out of their ceremonies.
amanda_lodden on Jul. 10, 2009 1:35 PM
Ah, good, because that was my question, too.
Even with that, I'd consider looking at it as participating in a learning experience for the young couple. They had semi-sound reasons for getting married (not wanting the military to separate them), which puts them ahead of a lot of teenagers who get married because they feel guilty about whatever it is they're doing to each other. That means that when the glow wears off, they'll have gotten more out of the legal union than many young couples, at least. Plus, married military members get better housing than single military members.
lorddraqo on Jul. 10, 2009 1:53 PM
I was also curious as to your intent. However after reading your further explanation, I would tend to agree. Though I practice a gnostic mysticism, m'self, I actively encourage all couples who are interested in marriage (and particularly the young ones) to participate in the Catholic church's "Engage Encounter" weekend, prior to pursuing marriage. My wife and I did so, more then thirty years ago, and our relationship is still going strong, even though she is a Vanilla, monogamous catholic, and I am a kinky, polyamorous pagan.
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