An Ethical Quandary About Burnout
I'm not sure what to do now. In May, asked me to work on the program book for ConFusion, and for reasons that I don't remember, I said yes. Now I have a front-row seat as the program book crashes and burns. The page layout is being produced by the Artist Guest of Honor, Carl Lundgren, not by me. I was very glad he took it off my hands, because by that time, when I was reminded that I had said I would do it, I experienced a brief period of denial, bargaining, and anger. I realized I had accepted, and I had been really foolish to accept. But it's not getting done, and I don't have control. There is no such thing as a quality book without somebody in charge of it who cares about it.
The worrisome thing is that most people are talking as if they think the person in charge of it who cares about it is me. They did not seem to hear me when I told the concom mailing list that the program book would be only two or three pages long and that I had no problem with that. Is that passive-aggressive? I was trying to be aggressive-aggressive, disavowing all responsibility in no uncertain terms, so that anyone who cared about it would either do it, or find someone who would, or not have any cause to complain. I guess it just read as sarcasm instead.
I went ahead and got quotes from print shops and chose one. I even took the initiative to recruit a new person, Richard Sussman, to take over in the event that Carl Lundgren doesn't deliver. I have dutifully forwarded all content that was emailed to me. Through it all I am trying to keep a good attitude and supress my feelings of resentment at having to fulfill my promise, because I was the one who made the promise.
I have avoided concom meetings. I don't consider myself a member of the concom. I don't want a free membership. I feel no attachment to the success of the convention (don't get me wrong, I wish no one any ill will, it's just fundamentally Someone Else's Problem). I don't care about typos or factual inaccuracies. As for omissions (such as 3/4 of the guest bios which are missing), there is really nothing in my power to do about that.
Instead I repeated over and over for months to the conchair, "I don't want to do this. I don't care about the quality of the outcome", and waited for him to replace me, as I would instantly replace anybody who told me that. I have not failed silently, I've failed loudly. Is that enough to absolve me?
What if this disaster is my fault, for not resigning months ago? I can't actually take over the project now and just grit my teeth and get it done, because the Artist Guest of Honor is doing it. It's due to the printer in a week, which is not enough time to make it, to say nothing of proofreading. At this point I don't know how there is going to be a book at all. How can I do the right thing, and also maintain the boundaries of other people's responsibility, without the result just being passive-aggressive?
In any case, I have to accept my role in this stillbirth. With any luck my name won't be on it, but it will be known anyway. I apologize to each of you who attends, and I assure you I will improve. This is not going to be characteristic of me. I'm sorry.
Comments
tlatoani on Jan. 3, 2008 3:26 PM
So does that mean you aren't the person I should send a paragraph about room parties?
matt-arnold on Jan. 3, 2008 3:30 PM
According to the actual work flow which is in place, I still am. I will then forward it to Carl and Richard.
tlatoani on Jan. 3, 2008 4:04 PM
Here:
***
Room Parties
Many groups throw room parties at ConFusion on Friday and Saturday nights. They aren't official convention functions, but they are a lot of fun -- and we do offer a prize for the best one, as picked by our secret panel of spies^H^H^H^H^Hjudges! Here's what you need to know about room parties:
If you're hosting one:
* your room needs to be on a party floor (floors 14-17)
* you can advertise your party with fliers in various places, but check with Operations to see if you have to use special tape
* if you want to be part of the competition and haven't already registered, let Operations know so they can pass the information on and thou shalt be judged (to qualify, your party has to be open to all attendees, and as a practical matter also has to run all evening for at least one night -- parties that only run for three hours may not get a visit)
* it is your responsibility to follow state and local laws on alcohol and controlled substances, and to avoid entanglements with hotel security or, worse yet, law enforcement
If you're looking for parties to attend:
* check the elevators and other public areas for flyers
* cruise the party floors (14-17) for less well-advertised parties
* if you hear Arabic rap music and cannon fire, head toward it (this is not good advice in life generally, but it is at ConFusion)
elizilla on Jan. 3, 2008 3:30 PM
Pulling the content together is the number one hassle of program book. And bios are always the hardest part.
There's a small bio for each GoH on the website - if necessary those could just be cribbed. They're not very long but they're minimally adequate.
etain on Jan. 3, 2008 5:30 PM
GoH bios always suck to get together. Your story about, uhh, was it Scalzi with the web bio(?) really taught me that just as much as trying to gather them has. Dear gods man, learn to say no. (This isn't me absconding you, this is me worried about what will happen to you in the next sixteen months.)
matt-arnold on Jan. 3, 2008 5:38 PM
It's not Scalzi who was in that story, it was Nat at Penguicon 3.0 in 2005. And after all this time, he still has the exact same web bio that he had then!
jeffreyab on Jan. 3, 2008 5:36 PM
Sometimes its better to resign earlier, conchairs are usually too busy to notice inactivity.
I wonder how I got into this myself.
atdt1991 on Jan. 3, 2008 8:17 PM
I consider "I don't want to be in charge of this" and "I don't care whether it's full of flaws" to be two very different statements. The former is a statement of abdication, based on whatever priorities you have. The latter is a lack of caring for the product, and doesn't at all state that you don't intend to follow it through.
Semantically speaking, it -is- what you might call passive-aggressive, because you're stating one thing (that you don't care if the product sucks) and meaning another (that you don't want to be in charge of it). You're also making it clear that no matter what the consequence to the product, you won't quit by yourself - you insist on being fired.
In my opinion, the right thing to do, at whatever time, is to either find someone who wants to get it done or find someone in the board willing to find that person. But, that implies that you care about whether the product is quality. If you don't, as you've stated there, then you don't, and there's nothing to be upset about. I think, though, that you do care, even if it's for secondary reasons involving esteem.
I agree that if you've said loudly that you have no problem with it sucking, someone should have stepped in. However, leaving them with the option of inaction, there's not much room for complaint when your silent plea to be fired was not heard.
To get meta for a moment, I'm not saying this out of any sort of judgment - you have, in the past, clearly stepped in on a project I was taking too long to complete. I'm trying to be helpful, logically speaking. I'm sympathetic to not being able to say no, either - I've been volunteered for a ton of things, and I've not had the time to do them all. I'm just saying that if things go bad, (in my very subjective opinion) you'll have to stand up and take it regardless, and move forward from there. "I didn't care" is not a rationally valid reason to expect absolution from whoever you feel the need to be absolving yourself to.
That you're completely uninterested in the success or failure of the convention should be something worth diving into, I think. Even basic attendees have some shred of interest in seeing the convention go well, if only to justify the expense of their badge and room.
matt-arnold on Jan. 3, 2008 8:29 PM
I repeatedly said I didn't want to do it, wasn't interested, regretted it-- I phrased this in a variety of ways to leave no doubt and eliminate all wiggle room for interpretation. It was far from a silent or implicit message.
The success level of conventions other than mine is something that I wish were not my problem or my fault. This is an important distinction.
atdt1991 on Jan. 3, 2008 8:38 PM
Ah, now that I can understand, and I see as different from what you stated above, which is that you just don't care about its success, rather than desiring that success not hinge on you.
If you said you did not want to do it, you quit. At that point, it is certainly the hiring body's responsibility to find someone else, and that you continue to be the middle-man defies sense.
matt-arnold on Jan. 3, 2008 8:52 PM
It's true that I don't intrinsically care about its success. If I were not involved, and I showed up to 'Fusion and there were no program book, or it sucked, I would not mind much. But now I've created a situation in which my reputation will be damaged by it.
I didn't quit. Saying I don't want to do it means I'm doing it reluctantly, not that I refuse to do it and leave them in the lurch.
thatguychuck on Jan. 4, 2008 1:56 AM
"Semantically speaking, it -is- what you might call passive-aggressive, because you're stating one thing (that you don't care if the product sucks) and meaning another (that you don't want to be in charge of it). You're also making it clear that no matter what the consequence to the product, you won't quit by yourself - you insist on being fired."
This is probably the best written reply I could imagine to this post. Scott summed up what I would not have been able to put as eloquently.
Saying, "I don't want to do this" isn't the same as saying, "I will not do this, I'm stepping down." Better luck next time, Matt.
brendand on Jan. 4, 2008 5:59 AM
I don't think of having your name attached to this program book. I look at you as being a middle-man, and I understand this is not an easy or normal position to be in. This is what was created when Carl offered to take if off your hands and you said Yes. I'm not upset about that decision.
I do appreciate your honesty, and your willingness to continue in the awkwardness of the current situation. The program book WILL exist, and it will NOT suck. It will not be the best program book ever, but I'm okay with that.
I don't think you need worry about absolution. You're holding up your end of the bargain.
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