Communicate
It is a good idea to communicate with me about a buildup of dissatisfactions before abruptly and unexpectedly cutting me out of one's life. This has been happening with disappointing frequency among some of my most important relationships recently, and I fear that-- for all I know-- it may be working up toward happening with some more of them.
I understand how difficult or unpleasant one feels when communicating negative feelings. The path of least resistance is to let it build up silently until one suddenly cuts and runs. It's also comforting to tell one's self that one's own customs and preferences are so universal among humankind that I should already know about them. But this is not what's best for anyone involved.
I am a very adaptable person and I want to change attributes that are not working out. I am sorry, but I am afraid that you are going to have to use words. There are very few of you whose positions about me are certain, and I don't know where it will happen next, so this is a broadcast message just in case.
The title of this blog is "C.I.T.O.K.A.T.E.", borrowed from David Brin. Criticism Is The Only Known Antidote To Error. I am not conflict-averse. I know; I don't seem that outwardly upset about my losses; I'm stoic and I handle rejection very well. But rest assured that I take relationship maintenance even better. Anyone who needs to have a talk with me can safely do so.
Comments
brendand on Aug. 1, 2006 3:59 PM
I don't know that one can learn what seems to be missing from you. That being said, you should really try to be more considerate. Not just in your words, but your actions. It's a good way to avoid offending people in the first place.
matt-arnold on Aug. 1, 2006 4:41 PM
I agree that being considerate is good and being inconsiderate is bad. Can you be more specific?
brendand on Aug. 1, 2006 7:30 PM
There have been times when you have helped yourself to things that were not opened, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who thinks that it would be appropriate to ask before opening something that you didn't purchase yourself.
brendand on Aug. 1, 2006 7:47 PM
Also, it's more than this, but I'll not go into it here.
sarahmichigan on Aug. 1, 2006 4:30 PM
Your first sentence is a good suggestion for relating to everyone, not just you. I've found that people often supress little annoyances in the interest of not rocking the boat and/or not being a nag, but bringing things up while they're small is usually a good idea. Letting resentment build never ends up well.
zencuppa on Aug. 1, 2006 6:13 PM — Communication
Your posting reminds me of something I sometimes say when talking about the importance of communication "I am not accountable for what you don't tell me."
It gets around that (in)famouse comment "You should know what is wrong, etc."
Explicit communication is often tough, but it's better than the alternative ..
Good luck and hugs!
algebradancer on Aug. 1, 2006 7:03 PM
I fully sympathize. I've had the same problem in the past, where I find that someone I care about has been building up a grudge against me for a long time. I hate it, and I really don't know what one can do about it besides complain, plead, or let be. Usually if they cut you off, they've thought long and hard about it, enough to make a unilateral decision. I thought your post was well thought-out and articulate; I wish I had thought to say all the things you said when it happened to me. I sincerely hope your post changes the mind of someone toward whom you aimed it. On the other hand, it is true that some combinations of people are ultimately incompatible; this could be a "blessing in disguise", as the saying goes. In any case, good luck.
Also, I find 's comment thoroughly offensive.
brendand on Aug. 1, 2006 7:32 PM
Had he not specifically asked for responses, it would not have been said. And coming from someone who doesn't know me, I am not at all surprised.
matt-arnold on Aug. 18, 2006 4:04 AM
I didn't ask for them to be aired in public. I'm sorry that I didn't make that clear. But coming from someone who does know you, Neil's right. The problem was the non-constructiveness of your vague blanket disapproval of who I am as a person, as expressed in your first reply. You expressed no criticism. Only insult.
When I asked you later, I became aware that you did not intend to say that you simply don't like me for unspecified reasons. Nevertheless, intentional or not, that is what you said. No one needs to be told that "considerate is good and inconsiderate is bad." Much less do I need to be told that you don't know if I can ever reform myself from being inconsiderate as if it is intrinsic to me.
brendand on Aug. 18, 2006 8:11 PM
Talk about a delayed response... ;)
If you hadn't wanted them to be aired in public, it would have been appropriate to screen all comments.
I'll say nothing else publicly, per your wishes.
phecda on Aug. 1, 2006 8:38 PM
Since you are asking for feedback, I will play. Given what I know about your background, I would say that your occasional faux pas is part of the defense mechanisms you built to deal with your family. What you need to realize is that these defense mechanisms no longer serve a purpose in the world at large. The other thought I have on this is that you may have a mild or sub-clinical case of Aspergers Syndrome.
And since you like game references, I don't know if you are familiar with the card game "Mao". You start playing the game (ideally) with a group of people where only one or two people know the rules. You have to infer the rules as the game is played. This simulates primate politics better than any other game I've ever played.
So, yes, it's annoying when you transgress some unknown rule, especially if you've offended people you care about. Hopefully they care sufficiently to try to communicate to you what you have done wrong in their eyes so that you can conscious of the issues for the future.
To follow Brendan's theme (and again because you are asking for information (so take note would be defenders of Matt)) -- for specific issues I had while you were living with me, you seem to have an issue with respecting other people's property. Nothing major, but opening DVD's I had bought before I had a chance to watch them first, pilfering my food, etc., are generally not considered good form. It's always polite to ask first. I have learned that with it best to be very specific about what is and is not permissible -- almost like writing software. Not to rehash some incidents from last winter, but I have noticed that if you want to do something, you will do your best to rules lawyer your way there, and then wonder why people are getting upset with you.
I hope that helps. Overall, I consider you to be a good and likable person, and in someways recognize myself when I was more feral. So I have hope that you will eventually receive elightenment, even if a good chunk of the teaching will be delivered in the traditional zen manner.
matt-arnold on Aug. 1, 2006 8:44 PM
That's absolutely fascinating. Thank you so much. I'm interested in learning about the defense mechanisms you speak of.
Also I'm seeing a theme emerging about respecting other people's property. *Cringe* I feel ashamed. This is going to change.
phecda on Aug. 1, 2006 8:49 PM
We all build defense mechanisms when we are children to cope and keep ourselves safe. I'm working through some of mine and trying to retool. So this is in someways a projection. YMMV.
As for respecting other's property, I blame myself for not confronting as I should have. If no one corrects you, how do you know to change?
treebones on Aug. 1, 2006 9:30 PM
I'm the right personality type to enjoy giving the occasional impromptu anthropology, sociology, or psychology mini-lecture, so I'm probably going not going to have a problem. But I could understand how the necessity for that on a frequent basis could wear thin.
How familiar are you with Asperger's? Because you do remind me quite a bit of some of the people I know who are known heterozygous for the trait. Those folks are not quite as disconnected as someone with the full version, but some of the blind spots you have or you report (poor ability to interpret unspoken communication content encoded in body language and tone, difficulty extrapolating larger social rules from instances observed on a case-by-case basis) as well as some of your strengths (an ability and willingness to focus quite strongly on learning a certain topic, a fascination with logic, and to a lesser degree, with abstraction).
I have a lot of known or suspected Asperger-trait people in my world, because I like them. They're straightforward, and don't play weird social games. But not everyone is willing to trade the tight-burst social shorthand of tone, body language, and cultural assumption in return for the potential clarity and honesty of agenda that you get from this type of person.
matt-arnold on Aug. 1, 2006 9:44 PM
Do I need to see a doctor?
(I almost said "What must I do to be saved?")
treebones on Aug. 1, 2006 9:57 PM
*snrk*
Do you need to see a doctor? Beats me. I generally think the Asperger's label is a description of a pattern, not a disease process. I view this trait as a variant form of human base wiring which is more adapative in some settings, and poorly adaptive in others. However, every form of difference makes for issues with cultural and social fit, and that's going to tend to bite you.
While I doubt you need the analogy...By analogy, having more melanin in your skin means you're *much* less likely to get skin cancer in some climates. It also means you won't make enough vitamin D in other latitudes. Dark-skinned people in high latitudes either need to spend extra time in the sun, supplement, move, or accept scurvy.
To stretch that analogy, you need to either spend extra time communicating with people, find some way to get unspoken social content given to you, or shift to communities where your tendency is a strength rather than a weakness. You've partially done the last; you accept the advice of those more adept at reading that type of content when you can get it; and you're soliciting input.
There may be other things the Asperger's communities or experts know that are helpful, though, so I'd look to see what advice you can get from there, too. You might want to surf the web, uses a heavy YMMV filter on what you find.
avt-tor on Aug. 2, 2006 7:14 AM
"Asperger's Syndrome" is a real condition, but it's also an end of a spectrum. I'm not an expert. A gross oversimplification is that it's an adult analog to autism; it describes people who don't interpret or understand the usual spectrum of emotional/social/non-verbal communication. My opinion is that the term is currently overused, the way ADD or the old DSM-IV categories used to be.
I know one person who describes himself as having Asperger's (and I really wouldn't disagree) and one person who describes himself as autistic. The first guy accomplishes a heck of a lot, but is a pain in the behind to deal with. The other is a very nice man who has great difficulty communicating with people. He has been a Worldcon division head. As for behavior being on a spectrum, I would say that more than one fan in ten have some noticeable Asperger-like behavior patterms. In fact there is a meme going around where people can rate how "Aspie" they are. And it is a spectrum; I can read people moderately well in general, but I have a big blind spot about how they react to me, and I make social mistakes because of that. While one can't change the way one's brain is wired, one can certainly learn coping mechanisms to work around weaknesses.
You're asking for people to communicate with you, but that may not work. People may not want to talk about it. Sometimes one has to draw information out of people, especially for emotionally or relationship issues. You're saying you take rejection well, but even if that's true, saying it isn't persuasive. If you care about somebody, it should matter. Humility, a sense of humor, and for sure, nonverbal communication are critical in maintaining and preserving an important friendship.
I only know you slightly, so I can't offer any serious feedback. If I had anything negative to say, I'd say it privately. One of the good things about posting to your own blog is that most people know you, know your quirks, and still accept you anyway.
rachelann1977 on Aug. 2, 2006 1:59 AM
I don't want to get into a lengthy discussion of Asperger's, but my gut says that while Matt may share some traits with those that have this disorder, he doen't actually have it. I haven't met amny people with Asperer's but my cousin is autistic and I've spent time taking care of and interacting with several autistic individuals. I can usually spot autism with 10 minutes or less of interaction, and although Asperger's is somewhat milder, I still tend to think of the social issues as more than a passing difficulty. Matt's social radar is most definitely not absent, just somewhat "quiet" in comparison with other traits. I would have to say he falls within the normal range of variability.
Having said that, Matt, you can rest assured that at least when it comes to me and Chuck, you will know if there is a problem well before it gets out of hand. Even if I might tend not to say anything, Chuck has no such restraint. You can always at least count on him to be straightforward, honest, and even downright blunt. I actually really admire that about him.
overthesun on Aug. 2, 2006 12:12 PM
Does that make me BluntMan! ?
Leave a Comment