Taking Charge Of My Destiny
reports in her latest livejournal entry that after Penguicon 1.0 she slowed down, became more passive, and stopped creating lots of new projects and pursuing them to the end with her typical relentless determination; she is now taking charge again. I almost posted a comment, but it turned into a ramble about me, and I don't want to highjack her LJ. Penguicon 1.0 was the fulcrum for me too, in exactly the same matter, except in the opposite direction. For about thirty years I was full of big plans and dreams. These plans and dreams were written or drawn out in copious detail, and promptly forgotten about. Yes, ever since childhood (just ask ). I pretty much sat at home waiting for life to come to me.
One day the life that I had built up to that point (mostly by following the railroad tracks laid down for me) ended more or less all at once. I left my church, I knew my marriage and job were ending, my grandmother was about to die, my pet was about to die, and I literally had made no friends (not even bad ones) outside my family. The responsibilities and entanglements that had held me back seemed to be vanishing. It felt like the release date for Life 2.0 which would be compatible with Matt 2.0.
I said "by golly, I'm going to get off my butt, and go to a science fiction convention and meet people who are like me, and I don't have to ask anybody!" I Googled "science fiction convention michigan" and got "Penguicon." Then I went there and got sucked into running these wonderful things, by folks who don't seem to understand just how unprepared for leadership my non-resourceful, disorganized, lazy past life has left me. In my opinion, my enthusiasm is no substitute. It has turned out that Matt 2.0's spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak.
On the one hand, my change in religious and political perspective toward authority has been totally empowering, because I'll never again say "let go and let God," or "God is my pilot, Jesus is my co-pilot, the Holy Spirit is my navigator and I'm asleep in the back seat." On the other hand, I feel guilty because I think I'm bad at putting the self-reliance intrinsic to libertarianism and secularism into practice. I've become very busy in the past year and a half, but I notice it hasn't made me any less passive or installed any self-starting initiative. This troubles me. For instance, I complain about my soul-numbing career, but job hunting just intimidates me into the fetal position. Whereas uses words like "grants" and "loans" in a way that indicates she clearly knows what they mean and what to do about it. Comparing myself recently to continent-hopping business-starters like Cory Doctorow has further revealed the extent of this problem when I discovered... he is younger than me. Ouch.*
Is taking charge of one's own destiny a property of nature or nurture? Can it be taught?
*P.S. Then again, he is Cory Doctorow, and how many of those are there? It's like when Tom Lehrer complained, "It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age, he had already been dead for a year."
Comments
treebones on Oct. 15, 2004 8:46 PM
Nature helps, a lot. Some people are just not prone to having much drive. However, it sounds like you're good at having ideas. Am I correct in thinking you just don't have a whole lot of practice at taking them from visions in your head and making them into reality?
However, more than nature, practice is crucial; Taking Chare of One's Own Destiny requires a whole bunch of steps. Practice, including a lot of trial and error, helps you learn and fine tune the subsidiary skills. Here's several of them. Thinking about possible paths. Assessing them for both feasibility and inspirational content. Choosing one. Figuring out the steps involved in implementing it. Keeping up your energy and morale. Doing the steps involved, in tiny little increments where necessary. Stubbornly persisting in the face of resistance, which *will* occur. Reassessing on the fly. Persisting, sometimes in the face of reason. Sometimes, knowing when to give up, or when to take a break. Compromising between your dream and reality. Laughing when things go wrong. Admitting to mistakes, addressing them, and not letting them stop you.
12 years ago, I remember spending 20 minutes standing in a drug store trying to choose between a four pack of batteries, and an eight pack. Four years ago, I decided the world needed PenguiCon, and made it happen. In those eight years, I covered a lot of ground. Yes, Virginia, these skills can be learned. (:
If you want individual emails free associating about each of the steps above, I'm willing, as time permits, to ramble at you.
matt-arnold on Oct. 16, 2004 3:40 PM
Thanks! I would love such e-mails; yes, please. It's true I am a boundless source of ideas about things that interest me. But I'm a sucky leader because for every idea I've brought to realization, there are 99 I forgot about completely in order to pursue the latest N.I.E. (New Idea Energy). Any number of people who have been brought in by my sales pitches, only to see this take place, could attest. Perhaps if I had something to show for more of these projects I would not be so upset about hating my job. I don't think any other solution to the job problem is likely to work in this economy.
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